Stranger
A lot has happened since I posted here last. I have been working on the book for the deck and finding that I have massive respect for professional writers! It’s a battle against the self isn’t it?
I had hoped things would be peaceful and quiet until it was finished…in the home stretch! But, it wasn’t meant to be and did I really expect anything less? Everything that was festering exploded into a big mass of puss and plague all over my life! But! People work through this kind of stuff all the time right? Writers are awesome! Me, not so much, but I’m trying! I will get it done though, don’t worry. It’s a struggle but it’s coming along nicely, if slowly (torturously).
One of the major things I have had to do is let go of my previous expectations…years worth of wedding cake ideas, and accept what it is, now. What these cards and ideas mean, now. Not 10 years ago. How do they all work together. What are they telling me now. It’s very enlightening and in some ways sad as things I previously thought were totally awesome and couldn’t wait to talk about slip away, a sad ghost of the past.
Sounds like I am talking about my life too.
Michael and I are breaking up. I say ‘are breaking up’ rather than ‘broke up’ because it seems to be more a *$%#&^#(^#(^#)& process than a thing of the past. It’s been since November but we are still living together mostly for financial reasons – neither of us can afford to move out. Isn’t that pathetic? I think so. I have lost my appetite for it to tell you the truth. In fact, we got in a big fight this morning and are going to have a ‘meeting’ when he gets back. My *$^#^* fun life.
I know it’s a bit dramatic but I feel like Frodo carrying the ring into Mt. Doom. I’m barely dragging myself at this point. I feel in many ways like I am dead, still moving, and mostly working to keep things together for other people now. What I want is a million miles away (will the eagles come and carry me there?).
You know the eagles are a symbol of Death. It doesn’t matter if Frodo died or not, symbolically he did as that part of his life passed away, and the eagles came and carried his soul to the next chapter because that is what they do, psychopomps. They are the messengers between heaven and earth. (Notice when the eagle took Gandalf) They couldn’t take him sooner because he wasn’t done. Just like me, now, I am not done. God knows I wish I were. I drew the Hanged Man this morning, aye, that is right.
Otherwise, I am coping not with alcohol or drugs but with the band Rammstein. I even find it strange! Not the music which I think is the epitome of awesomeness!!!! But that I am listening to it like I am pretty much 24 hours a day. I’ve always coped with music and this situation is particularly intense. I am also learning German, I started about the same time. I think it all goes with my fascination with German/Norse mythology….I do have a daughter named Freya after all. My mom was happy I was going back to my roots….When I called her the other day and started the conversation in German I think she felt nostalgic for her family and talked about her grandmother, my great grandmother who I remember had the softest hugs, for a while.
I tried not to listen to Rammstein this morning so I could concentrate but only made it about 20 minutes before the fighting and yelling began. Now its full blast in my ears again and I am somewhat content.
So, how are you? Anyone still there?
ETA: This came about when a friend told me that “Updating your website should be the whole of the law.” which I thought was funnier than hell!! And got me thinking. Sadly the funny guy is no longer a friend because he started calling me names (wtf???).
Also, I am sorry I have been really bad about returning emails and replying to comments for a long while now:( There is no excuse.
March 4, 2011 at 9:04 am
I’m glad you’re back! I suppose it isn’t much of support but I really really glad to see you’re still working on it!
I hope all changes in your life are for the best! We all are getting wiser with new experience even when it brings pain and sorrow.
I’m hoping for a turn to better for you and your family!
March 8, 2011 at 12:08 am
Hi Lina, thanks!!! Yep, definitely getting wiser, guess I was getting too comfortable lol.
March 4, 2011 at 9:20 am
Hi Marie,
I can empathize, having been through break-up hell myself. The lessons are huge and take time to unfold. It always turns out to be perfect, but it doesn’t always feel like it.
I know the feeling you describe of dragging yourself around. I’m an outdoor swimmer, and during that period, I always felt the eagles came to me as I swam, to bring comfort and to let me know that all would be well.
In the meanwhile, I believe music– who cares what it is? – is healing. We’re drawn to what we’re drawn to because it serves on some level. I say, enjoy!
I am mainly responding to your experience of writing the book to accompany the cards. You know yourself and are likely doing things just so, but I wanted to offer that I have done some of my best work with a partner, and much of it through timed writing. We also discovered as we created our piece that 3 am was a kind of witching hour. Like we kept being waked up with gifts and the words would just come.
The other is that I happen to be an excellent proofreader and editor, and you, again, very likely have who you need, but should you want to, I am available to help.
I am so looking forward to this deck- and book!
Sincerely,
Annette Romano
March 8, 2011 at 12:12 am
Hi Anette,
Thank you for the suggestions. I am trying to try out the 3am suggestion, so far I haven’t made it. I’m going to keep trying though because it sounds like a good idea!
I was assigned an editor by Schiffer so I don’t think I’ll need that, but as I get closer to done maybe I’ll bug you for advice! This writing stuff is tough. Its very nice of you, thank you:))
March 28, 2011 at 2:32 am
If the middle of the night writing is meant to happen, it just will, you won’t have to try. So, it may well be that that is not your time. It just happened that way for us for that particular piece we were working on. Now, as I revise it, I find that I’m working first thing upon awakening, and it’s good! So, trust the universe, of course, and know you’re on your path! Obviously, this is the truth.
Love, light, and inspiration to you,
Annette
March 4, 2011 at 10:47 am
Two suggestions:
Think back to that dream we discussed here it now seems years ago. Where is the green field within you? What would Aleister do?
And try listening to Mozart instead of Rammstein. Rammstein is not helping. This DVD http://liten.be//Mm4F6 might be a good start for dealing with issues beyond even the music.
May the Goddess guide and protect you.
March 8, 2011 at 12:16 am
Hi Fyreflye, good to see you:) Oh gosh, what would Aleister do….he would probably be misbehaving far more than me, darnit. Maybe that’s what I need to do.
I can’t give up Rammstein, but I will give Mozart a shot. Thanks:)
March 4, 2011 at 6:17 pm
I am glad you are back. I quite enjoy the dialogue and watching you create your deck has inspired me to undertake the process too. Thanks.
It sucks when you have to share space with someone after a break up.
A
March 8, 2011 at 12:35 am
Hi Andrew,
You are working on one??? That’s awesome!!! Have you done any yet?? Do you have anything to show yet? (I want to see!)
That is an excellent and succinct way to put it. It sucks, thats all there is to it. It’ll pass……some day, long from now….
March 11, 2011 at 1:31 pm
My heart bleeds for you, even though we don’t know each other.
I have been watching the work progress, and waited with baited breath for the whole deck to be avaliable.
Know that folks love you, even in the darkest times
Samara
March 28, 2011 at 2:33 am
Bated breath!
March 11, 2011 at 6:53 pm
Stick in there Stranger
March 14, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I’m sorry to hear about the difficult time you’ve been having. You asked if anyone was out there. The answer is yes. I know I’m not the only one who has been following your progress over these years with your deck. To say it is beautiful doesn’t do it justice. It is breathtaking in its artwork, symbolism and essence. I’m sure I speak for many when I ask you to keep working. I’m not one of those people that think working on it will get your mind off your troubles. Been there with troubles, and they can consume your thoughts so completely that it’s hard to think about grocery lists let alone the deep meanings of your artistic vision. But I’m asking you to continue anyway, because the deck you have created is magnificent, and in some way, seeing it published and embraced by the world may help you get past the pain you’re feeling and the disappointments you’ve experienced lately.
April 10, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Hi Marie, sorry to hear this news–it’s very hard when you can’t get completely away in a relationship. You’re in Limbo–time to read The Divine Comedy. We could do with the River Lethe at such times.
You don’t know me but I’ve been waiting for the full deck having painted a bag for someone who bought the Majors-only version. I understand what you’re saying about not being the same person as when you started the concept and painting of the deck. It’s tough to feel that backward pull and yet it’s what made you into Today Marie. It will carry forward into all aspects of Marie.
I am convinced we all go through huge upheavals as humans every 10 to 15 years. We have to learn to accept it and carry on to what we are becoming.
Eat properly, if you can’t sleep, rest, write, write, write. Writing provides clarity and eventually uplifts you, although it’s a slog at times. I haven’t updated my web site either. We can start a club.
May I suggest Pat Metheny, Robert Glasper, and Brad Mehldau?
Judy
April 16, 2011 at 4:38 pm
Hey there.
I discovered your wonderful work some years ago somewhere on Aeclectic. I put a link on my website and then went on to be interested in other things. (Tarot, like most of my interests, comes and goes in waves every few years or so.)
Now I’m in the process of redesigning and restructuring my website and came across this link. I’m THRILLED to see your tarot is finished! You have a pre-order candidate right here!
I wish you the best of luck, and some well-measured hardheadedness, with both the book and your life. Will keep an eye out for your writings. I smiled at reading about your Rammstein cravings
I used to listen to their music a lot some years ago now, but I do feel that they were a lot better while they stuck to German lyrics. I wonder do you listen to the old stuff?
So long
Anna~ (from Germany)
May 2, 2011 at 12:42 pm
I check in periodically at this website. Your Tarot cards are actually the most outstanding, incredible deck I have ever seen….I have been waiting a long time to be able to buy a deck and hold them in my hands. I simply wanted to say I remain a loyal admirer….and know that in every experience in life we go through, it is our choice to become better for it or to let is break us completely. Anyone who could create such a beautiful Tarot deck is obviously an extremely strong person. You have touched many a stranger with your art – stay strong, persevere and know you are admired.
May 4, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Sorry to hear you have been going through a rough time. Hopefully everything will work out or is working out in a way that is best for you. Music always gets me through the dark times, too.
Looking forward to the finished deck and book but also wishing you all the best as life moves ahead.
May 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Hi Marie,
I’m so sorry your life has spiraled downward. The wheel never stops turning and right now your wheel is in Limbo which is the best word I can think of to describe the death of a marriage. Having a good cry is always helpful, at least I think so. I found working out with weights extremely useful. I channeled my anger through weight lifting and I’m not a particularly physical person. I went to a body builder’s gym (no pool, spa, steam room)just lots of sweaty women and men getting ready for competition. I told them why I was there, the trainer gave me a great workout program and the amateurs/professionals helped and gave me encouragement. For me it was a great mental and physical catharsis. My life changed for the better but while I was going through the process I didn’t think it would ever end. We also had a son and once my ex and I calmed down, we realized we were the adults and our son came first. We decided we could “make nice” for a day if it was our child’s birthday, the holidays, etc. My ex even came to my house and stayed for a couple of days with my new husband and son during the winter solstice. My new husband and I were glad he was gone, but it was so important to my son and it made him happy. So while I was periodically uncomfortable, it was worth the discomfort. My son is an adult with his own children and he has told me how important those family times were and that his Dad and I weren’t fighting. He also knows how difficult it was for all the adults.
Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone and your inner strength along with your friends and fans positive energy will help you get through this dark time.
Ankh em Ma’at,
Kathie
May 14, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Just a word about how important your images have been for me, and encouragement to you in the long slog toward publishing them. This art matters and your images are very powerful. Hang in there through tough times!
June 2, 2011 at 5:23 am
You know what honey as long as you don’t descend into the realms of Nine Inch Nails you’ll come out the other side (speaking from Trent Reznor hell)
My advice as dodgy as it is, would be to do as Aleister would do, be naughty, misbehave for the sake of it, eat cake in bed when you feel like it and party when you don’t feel like it.
I don’t know if you’ve moved on in your situation since your post but I hope your feeling better in yourself.
*Hugs*
June 16, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Marie, so sorry to hear about your troubles (seems like I need a stonger word!). I hear you were at the Tarot meetup this week. I hope you come back, i couldn’t make it this week. I am lookign forward to your deck so much. I have admired your work since I first saw it at a meetup. I hope things have improved since you last posted here. And hope they continue to improve. Brightest Blessings, Majka
June 18, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Hi Marie,
It has been a long time since we talked. I am sorry for the troubles you are going through. I do hope you do find a balance in it all. Drop me a line and perhaps we can talk.
-Dragon
July 6, 2011 at 12:47 am
Wishing life is treating you better.
July 11, 2011 at 6:56 am
I stopped by to see if the set was published yet and instead I see the bad news. I’m sorry to hear about the (ongoing, I assume) breakup. I hope you two are able to come to a truce after the initial anger and hurt has some time to pass.
On a different note – the set looks amazing! I am very excited to own a final copy when the book is finished. Will there be a large format version and a regular sized one as well?
July 25, 2011 at 5:01 pm
Marie is your publisher putting your deck in all the big bookstores? Are you selling it too? I can’t wait to buy it. I love those images you painted. How is the book coming along now? I am very sorry to hear that your marriage is breaking up and you have to experience all this emotional upheaval during this time. Hope it is working out better now.
August 6, 2011 at 11:01 am
So, with “bated” breath (thank you Annette), I pop in to say thinking of you, and wishing you wll.
Samara