You won’t believe this, I have been sitting here for about 2 hours pouring out my soul on this freakin’ thing, detailing how I have had all kinds of technical and electronic problems, including lightning, that have prevented me from posting and from saving scans of the 7 of cups, and I just selected all the text to copy and paste it in word so I wouldn’t accidentally lose it, and I accidentally hit paste instead of copy, pasted some stupid crap from my clipboard earlier and lost the whole thing! I feel like I am just going to cry! I can’t go back through it now!
The last thing I Was writing was that I realized the other day that I had thought the black hole I used to always feel was gone, in fact when I started studying kabbalah is when it left, but it is really still there it just now masquerades as different things which I fill with an obsessive desire to reach nearly impossible goals. I’ve done it my whole life, I realize. Is it normal? I don’t know, sometimes it has served me well and other times….. I think over the last few, 10, years I have seen the sucking blackness as a sort of call for action, a higher direction to follow and maybe, now I am wondering, it doesn’t mean a thing.
Dammit I can’t believe I deleted all of that I prefaced this with! Oh well, I guess the important information was my apology to anyone hoping this deck would be done soon because …..well, I don’t think it will be, and my confession about the death of the 7 of cups. Summary, it should have been easy but it progressively got worse until it was horrid and now it is dead. I thought at least some of it was due to my feeling of disconnect from the earth here.
And I was never being realistic with respects to how difficult the minor arcana would be. In fact, it has turned out to be, for me, richer and more enlightening than the major arcana and in that vein is taking a long freakin’ time to do.
For the last few days I have been mourning the 7 of Cups and figuring out how to pull back and come at it again from a different angle.
Maybe I need to give up my theory that life is a great adventure that I am priveledged to be experiencing right now and there is great work to be done, mysteries to be delved and love to be shovelled out, eagles to fly with, and just accept that life sucks and then you die. NAHHHHHH!!!!! BRING IT ON!