School just started up again and there is a lot going on so I’m not getting here too much. I have been having lots of weird dreams lately. The house dream has been coming up a lot. Last night I was in the house with a big house party. The house wasn’t finished and there was no one there who knew how to finish it. I got sunburned by the pool so came in to change but every time I looked in the mirror I realized I wasn’t wearing what I wanted to put on. I finally figured out that every mirror I looked into showed me that I was wearing something different.
Ahh well all of the market crashing and all of the politics is still really affecting me. And I am having, not quite panic attacks again but something similar, I just feel adrenaline or something similar, rushing through my body all the time and then if there is any stress at all over anything it is so much I feel sick. The zoloft used to help but now it isn’t working as good as before – which was my fear when I stopped taking it. So I am going to the doctor tomorrow to start another bunch of tests. I am just so sure this is something physical and not psychological. I know I am eccentric, but this just isn’t that. So I’m going to bug the Dr.s until my insurance deductible resets in January. This has gone on long enough! I have had these damn episodes since I was 17, it is time to put it to rest already. I have too much to do to fiddle around with being sick.
I guess since I am catching you up on personal stuff, I have come to the conclusion I am just not happy here in NC and never will be. It’s not a bad place at all! Just the lifestyle here is not what I want. Sooooo, it is a long term plan since we don’t have the money to move right now and the way the market is who knows what’s going to happen, but we have a nice long time to sit down and think about where we want to go.
I feel adrift with no connection to a home. I don’t think I could ever go back to So Cal, except, maybe San Diego way, just maybe. Maybe northern California, wine country perhaps. Maybe the desert, Sedona or Flagstaff or Santa Fe. The first place we discussed was the Pacific Northwest but it looks like that is falling out of favor. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it but when I met Michael he lived in Washington state. He had lived there for about 8 years and he was in Oregon for about 1 and he had grown up in the same area as me in Socal. So, it isn’t as romantic an idea to him. I don’t know. I feel like this was the best place for us right now, a good place to be safe an gestate all of these things we are working on, but I do feel after that it will be time to move along.
I have been reading about all things related to the 8 and whoa, it is just bowling me over. What an awesome number and set of cards. I tried to resist Strength but it would not go along with that and it has merged now to a high degree.
I have been writing copious amounts of notes, should be criminal amounts of notes, on it too. I feel weird posting that stuff here because a lot is so personal, not in the way that it reflects my life but because it is more akin to meditation. I don’t know if it would even make sense to anyone. I’ll add some from the other night:
(I’ll give you a hint, this is not for the 8 of Wands)
I just made a huge huge connection. It just bubbled to the surface. Well, you know I have always wanted to do the two lions, the 2 sphinxes for at least one of the 8s. I just realized the 2 seraphim, the 2 burning ones that will flank the lamb on the throne, how funny and apropos, I almost wrote, lamb on the altar, those seraphim, the burning ones, are the 2 lions. Lion/sun/burning/seraphim/fire. Lamb/Christ./sacrificial animal/ holocaust. How horrible, really.
But, there it is.
If I really want to balance it…..holy crap, it is Michael as well, isn’t it? The lion of God, though, that would be Ariel. It must be Ariel. Maybe it is 2, Ariel and Michael. Like God and Fire of God, 2 flames, one the origin one the end //<G>
Ama, what is Ama? Mother? Air/Water/Air
Just a stream of consciousness thing here, but Ama, mother, love, protected in the middle, water at the center, Ram Rama
Is this Shamash?
Shamash, plus Michael, plus Ariel, plus, Christ? plus, who is the air? (and does it matter?)
I have to make this lamb creamy white, like the fur on the King of Disks but more so if possible, and the firey wings must be the purest red. No Cadmium!!!!!! Sick of that yellowish red. More toward the magentas.
Deep black eyes.
That’s about where I’m at!
Here’s another Bruce Dickinson song that reminds me of what I’m working on. Another inspired by William Blake –
Yes, still obsessed with Bruce. Blake, a god among men!