I did a reading for myself today. I already forget what 2 of the 3 cards were! But the center one was the 8 of Swords (one of my spacer cards). It took me a minute to acclimate to it…..oh wait the other cards are coming to me, the last card was the 2 of Cups, reversed and the first was the Ace of Wands, reversed.
The reasons I did the reading, is because of this anxiety problem I have been having. What’s been slowly developing over the last year or two is that every time I get really stressed out my stomach goes haywire. When Freya got so sick and had to go to the hospital it was especially bad and on top of all the other stress I was sick as a dog. I can tell this is secondary to the anxiety though. I think I actually have some form of PTSD from the experience of Freya getting sick and now every time she so much as coughs, once, or anyone else does, because I know she will catch whatever they have, i immediately get a head rush, feel dizzy and can’t think straight, my legs get weak and then the stomach starts flipping and flopping. Now that I know, at the first sign I start downing Pepto Bismol and it helps a little.
Every time it happens I just picture in my head over and over the night we came home from the emergency room and they had said she had pneumonia. She was having a real hard tie breathing. I called and asked if it was normal and they said yes but still I spent all night watching her struggle and I was scared she was going to die. The doctor that examined her later said that the pneumonia wasn’t bad enough to cause the problem she was having and they should have done more at the ER.
Now I know, and I have medications to put her on and I know who to call and what to do but every time she coughs or sneezes or sniffles I completely fall apart physically and emotionally but on the outside I just try to act as though nothing is going on. It sucks.
So yesterday Rex came home and had a sore throat and when I checked he had a temperature. And the train on my symptoms left the station. I started Freya on the Flovent, as instructed. Then I went to a parent teacher conference and the teacher told me 2 kids had gone home and turned out to have walking pneumonia…..stomach in throat and down to my feet time. I just can’t shake the horrible fear! I tell myself it’s just a cold, everyone gets them, they will get them over and over, I know what to do, etc. etc. It doesn’t help at all. And so the reading.
Card 1; the Ace of Wands, reversed. I have way way too much energy going on and it isn’t productive.
Card 2; the 8 of Swords. Oh gosh. It couldn’t be the 8 of Disks that I was working on? No, the 8 of Swords that i haven’t worked on yet. i couldn’t remember what I had sketched for that for the life of me. Now that I am over here in the office I see I had sketched a gateway which opened to a white city. The gate, the gate, what is it that’s is holding me back? What do I need to know to get through it? In a way I think there is nothing to be done, evolution sets me up to be hyper vigilant, it doesn’t matter if you are maimed, insane or damaged, it just matters that your child survives. So what is there to be done?
To solve this though I need to remember that I AM taking steps to move beyond this barrier. I have been proactive in getting to the doctor and starting a new medication, though it hasn’t started working yet. And I will continue to do so until I find an answer or a right combination. Maybe that is the trick, to keep your eye and focus on the eventual outcome you desire, direct your actions toward it and build a history that leads you to the place you want to go. For me it is to know that I am going to be strong enough to take care of any emergency that comes up. I want my body to stop overreacting. I want to stop mentally overreacting. Maybe I need counselling *sigh*. I talked to my mom on the phone the other day and she was gently suggesting that I should get some counselling. I don’t want to, but if I want to reach that goal, that white city through the gates, then that would be a logical and sword-like step.
Since this is the 8 of Swords, the way I have been corresponding it, I would be wise to try to balance strength and justice in attaining this goal. In this situation I would also say pragmatism and perseverance.
Card 3: The 2 of cups, reversed. I see this card as being very peaceful – reconciled. Reconciling that which is pure and fiery. Very similar to the 8s. Why reversed? Maybe like I already thought this isn’t something that is 100% attainable but if you keep trying and keep working toward that goal you will eventually survive through it, do the best job you can do and have the best possible outcome given the circumstances.
2 Cups is so much emotion too isn’t it? It opposes the Ace of Wands. All of that energy and all of that emotion just pouring out and manifesting in my body and I feel powerless to stop it. But I am taking steps to walk through that gate, I’m not just going to sit and cry about it.
I am going to keep thinking about these cards, the 8 of Swords in particular since I will be painting it soon.
And that concludes my reading for this eve-en-ing. I shall now turn you out and I will go work on my sketches. Ciao.