I have not written all week because I have had nothing interesting to say. And I still probably don’t! Tonight is my night in the office -err should I call it a studio to sound more prestigious? – and you know what, I still don’t have a clue what I’m going to do.
It started out like this:
1. I had some great ideas and a clear vision, I was ready to go!
2. The day finally came, the other painting was done, I had an evening to myself and I drew a big fat blank, everything I had previously thought of disappeared from my mind completely.
3. After going back and reviewing notes and much contemplation it came back to me. But, it was a backlash and I was so flooded with ideas I could not narrow it down to anything usable. First in the flood was the Goddesses and feminine concepts dealing mostly with time and death: Kali, Babylon, Sekhmet etc.
4. The next session came the Gods: Kronos, Mithra, Egyptian Sun Gods, leonine beasts and scarlet creatures, etc.
5. I decided that I need to forget about anything I may have heard or learned and just try to see what I honestly see there but with every attempt I either get something wholly too wild or too subdued and I cannot seem to find some middle ground where I feel it needs to be. Not that this is a concept that is mild or tempered in any way, just that it is both powerful and controlled and experienced.
6. To come tonight. I’ll let you know. I am thinking this is one of those times where I need to quiet and meditate and see who/what is there. Or, I can just start drawing and let it unfold naturally. Both is what I will do most likely.
I had something interesting happen about a week ago. There is a deer that had been hit by a car by the side of the road and it had been there a few days. I was wondering, again, why the vultures weren’t all over it. There’s an opossum up the road too, same thing, they are sitting there perfectly untouched. I wonder, is there really such an abundance of food around here all of these vultures can afford to just ignore a feast like that? It can’t just be that they have plenty of food in the forested areas because I see them patrolling right here all the time, so they definitely go in inhabited places. As I have mentioned before, in California something like that doesn’t last over night without something at least putting a dent in it. “It just boggles me.
With that thought in mind, I got to the area where the deer was and looked in it’s direction and had a strong vision of what I have since been calling Deer Death. I did a quick sketch of it, I’ll have to post it tonight. I was a large deer like looking creature though not exactly and it had long arms that arched up like a creeping bat or spider, and it looked to be guarding the deer corpse. Was it? Is that why the vultures don’t move in yet?
Thinking about this I had a little insight into my own psychology. It occurred to me that if I don’t see something it doesn’t exist. A big problem I have is with organizing. If I put things away I Can’t find them no matter how good the system is. I find myself buying many multiples of the same things because I can’t find things, and things like food that is in the drawers rather than the open shelves, I forget it’s there until it rots. When I work on stuff I tend to leave it out until I am finally finished with it or I will never finish, I will forget about it. Maybe its just ADD, I am so distractible it needs to be in my face to keep me interested lol. But really, it occurred to me that the way I perceive the world is that if I don’ see it, it doesn’t exist, therefore, if I KNOW something exists I WILL see it, even if it is just an image in my mind.
Does that make it ‘imaginary’? Yes and no. I would say that whatever is seem, or seen in that way is still probably generated by a complex criteria, it isn’t just a random whimsy and could partake in senses that one is not aware of consciously but is aware of sub or unconsciously. Like dream imagery, I don’t think its random, its the language of the subconscious.
The second thing is that you can say yes it is imaginary but imaginary shouldn’t be dismissed but understood as above, a sacred, secret – more than language but perhaps an environment, a personal world which is different in different levels or layers. For example, on the surface very near consciousness it is more willfully direction and prone to intentional manipulation, fantasy, etc. though you are likely communicating these things to the subconscious, as in the case of fears, hopes, plans. The deeper you go into meditative states, states influenced by danger or ecstasy, meditation, hypnosis and down into dreaming and places maybe we can’t even conceive of consciously, it becomes less likely to be self directed and more likely to reflect what is going on in the subconscious.
What I am trying to say in a clumsy way, is that if I believe something exist I will generate an image of it in my mind. I can do it on purpose or I can experience communication with the deeper layers of my self. It’s probably something in common with a lot of artists as we are likely to be able to hold a mental image fairly well. And what of musicians and writers and poets and chefs and craftsmen? Do they experience the world through hearing and touching and tasting etc.? Thinking back to my musician days it was always clear to me that drummers saw the world different than guitarists – they just did- all of them.
That isn’t anything new though, is it? That people have different ways they experience and cope with the world? What it does for me though is explain why I *see* things like I do, because if I sense it – from whatever the source- I will see it.
What is a vision? This is something so personal I can only speak for myself. I have no idea what other people see. I don’t even know if other people experience the same colors, for example. I don’t know exactly what other people experience when they have a vision and to tell you the truth I don’t know if you can always trust what people say anyway as they might have a financial reason for making it sound cooler than it really is (my cynical side). I will just describe as honestly as I can, what it is like for me.
When you look out across a landscape there are things in the foreground and things in the distance. If you focus on something close to you what is far away becomes blurred and vice versa. So it is with me. There is what is close and in focus, mundane reality, and then there is what is usually out of focus in the background, the imagination I suppose you could call it. I used to see it only with my eyes closed but over the years it is there all the time I just choose not to focus on it. Once in a while there is something so extraordinary in that out of focus zone my focus is shifted to it immediately, like with the deer.
Some might call it the astral plane. There’s all kinds of words for it.
Other things seen there: auras, angels, elementals, dead things, all sorts of creatures. Around people there are colors, entities for good and ill, ancestors, animals. To me, there, everything is vibrantly alive, not just people and animals but rocks and dirt and trees and plants, houses, food, everything, every single thing made by man or made by nature, it is all alive. That’s why I find it torturous to kill a spider or mow lawns or trim hedges or pull weeds.
I didn’t mean to get into all of this today, but what the heck.
Over the last few years I have found myself getting more and more atheist. Not in the sense of ‘I’m an atheist because I don’t go to church but don’t get near me with evil tarot cards’ LOL, more like I see a natural explanation for everything that once confused me and for all of those things which seem supernatural, miraculous or owing to any supernatural being which is somehow looking out for us. This thought today kind of added a little more solidity to that belief, the thought that if I know something I see it. Anthropomorphosized ideas, knowledge, regardless of the source.
At the same time I feel like I have an easier, more peaceful understanding of the spiritual world. Things make sense. Things move together like water paticles in a lake – nothing is out of place, nothing is unnatural. For me, my most comfortable place is in the middle, with one foot here and one foot there, suppressing neither, observing both. Hmmm, sounds like the Star card, doesn’t it?