It is happening to me again!
Most of the time I was working on the 9 of Disks I was all fired up about working on the 9 of Wands, and would take a moment here or there to make a note or a quick drawing hardly containing myself for the time when I could work on it alone.
Now the time is here and the passion has dissipated.
I can’t help but think it is a commentary on the card itself. Maybe it is that when you are fantasizing you are free but when it is time to put your money where your mouth is it takes on more of a risk. I start questioning myself, why do I want to do this? What does it mean? How does it fit into this? How does this advance the the suit of Wands? How does this lead into the 10? How does this fulfill and complete Fire?
I find myself going back to the drawing board, again, with the 4 elements. They are so ever changing to me! And its aggravating as hell!
I am over analyzing! It might simply be wrong to tether inspiration down with pragmatism (if relative).
Another thought is that I use over thinking things as a way to avoid risk. That feels about right.
My birthday just passed, on the 5th, and I have decided that this next year I want to greet it with strength, good humor and decisiveness. I think I have been lacking in those areas lately. Ive gotten all worried and uptight. No need for that. I can’t commit to a decision ever.
It all started when I started making big screw ups that hurt people, probably around the time of the restaurant. The last straw was when I found that one of my former employees had been hit by a car while walking with her 2 young sons and killed. I felt so responsible, and still do. She had moved to Las Vegas, and I felt that if I had been able to do a better job and keep the restaurant open she wouldn’t have moved and wouldn’t have died. It’s like I am constantly worried that any move I make will result in some horrible event 30 steps down the line and it kills me.
Something happened here the other day sort of along the same thread. For a long time now I have been having a very difficult time adjusting to living here, but lately, since spring started, I have been really starting to like it a lot. One of the really cool things was this birdhouse I hung up at the end of winter. A pair of bluebirds moved in and every day I have watched them build and then tend to their nest. Then one day I heard little baby chirps coming from inside! A few days ago, I noticed the parents were very aggravated. I went over and looked all around the nest and couldn’t see anything but when they didn’t calm I finally opened the nest and peeked inside. There was nothing wrong I could see. There was 3 baby birds all snuggled in to the bottom of the pine needle nest and all 6 of their little black eyes stared at me.
I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
The next day there was no activity around the nest. I watched it closely for about an hour and nothing, which was really strange. Finally Michael and I went out to have a look and when we opened the front of the nest there was a big black snake. The babies were gone. I took a few pictures of it
Talk about heartbroken! I feel the same way as about the other person who died, that if I had done things differently, there would have been a different, better outcome. I don’t trust myself to make good decisions so people, etc. in my charge don’t die because I screw up.
Now with this, well, I had adopted a non interference stance with wildlife, ever since I killed the baby crow. I decided it was better to die in the presence of its crow family than for me to have terrorized it before it died. Gawd, I just get a rush of memories of all the people and animals….ugh. Maybe my mistake was putting up a birdhouse that was vulnerable to snakes. I don’t know. It’s just depressing. I want to help, not hurt.
So now I am having fantasies of killing this snake all the time. Oddly, when we first found I tried to get the snake out of there so I could see if there were any surviving birds. I was moving him with a stick and he just looked at me, wasn’t aggressive at all, didn’t hiss or strike or jerk around, just sort of looked at me like ‘you’ve got to be kidding, I’m not going anywhere’. Every time I look at the empty, quiet nest I get sad.
I’m starting to think/realize this is what killed my inspiration, eh?
Don’t think the symbolism of it all is lost on me. Here is some of what I wrote right before!
As I was working on the 9 of Disks, I looked out the window and saw a very large, abysmally black , snake lazily making its way down our driveway. I though it was beautiful but didn’t think much more about it, symbolically.
I finished the 9 of Disks yesterday and just finished doing the temporary write up for it, then I took Rex to school. On the way back I had a revelation. I thought, it was easy to love nature in California. Now, here is the challenge. It is nature with much more intensity. It is nature with weather, and humidity and snakes and bugs and things that want to kill you. So I am a total wuss if I cant rise to this challenge!
Also, over the last few weeks I have been seeing the earth, really, as hell. Birth is going down into hell, only hell isn’t that horrible, it is, it is suffering as the Buddhists would say, but it is also joy and happiness and love, there is all things in it and that’s the greatness of it. It is hell to those who would deny the suffering and the gross, steamy , brutal animalness of it all.
Next thing you know a black snake, probably the same one, comes and kills the little bluebirds of happiness and makes me have a difficult time appreciating the natural balance of things. Plus, the birds were my attempt to ground myself here and they were eaten by a big black snake. Translated into symbo-speak = my delusions of deserving sweetness were consumed by a more balanced and realistic knowledge. Something like that.
Maybe I just need a few days. Maybe I should be working on the 9 of Cups instead.
Well, now maybe you can see why I need strength, decisiveness and humor!
I just keep trying to remember that Time will devour us all anyway, better to live fully while we are lucky enough to be here.
I just realized I was calling the 9 of Disks the Garden of Sensual Delights. And then a black snake climbs up a tree and eats the fruit. Interesting…