While sitting in my little tarot area and tidying up last night I noticed that at the bottom of the box my deck calls home was the Page of Swords, then later I found the Ace of Swords under a random spread cloth. How long have they been there? How long have I been playing without a full deck? LOL! It actually describes how I have been feeling, missing those two important Swords cards, Ace and Page. Well, I have found them now and I am putting them back.
I have been feeling like my brain was sliced into a hundred pieces and tossed on the floor. Even though I know what I need to do I feel unable to do it. I have been taking this scrambled feeling out on my house, cleaning out and organizing closets, drawers, bookcases, etc. Organize my house, organize my brain.
I have been trying to work on a card back but kept feeling the Lovers problem was a huge obstacle and I couldn’t do anything until that was resolved. I have had to do a lot of soul searching over it, a lot. I redrew it, spent some time on it, and then when it was nearly done looked at it and the man looked like Mel Gibson to me. ACK! That killed it on the spot. And, if it is possible, it was too pretty, too organic. Trash.
What did I want, perfection? Could I only love and accept perfection? And what was perfection anyway? I had to sit down and think about that in regards to the Lovers card.
There is something the earlier cards have that makes them worthwhile, innocence and naivete. Of course I can probably look back at any time and say I was innocent of certain information at a certain time, but really, these early cards, i.e. the Major Arcana, relied far more on intuition where now I feel like, even though I am not intentionally creating an image, per say, I understand the language. That’s a strength and a weakness, a limitation. Where as working intuitively I was simply trusting the image I saw. What I am trying so hard to say is that not really knowing what I was doing I became a clearer channel for truth. And, to paint just for example, the Lovers again knowing what I know now and saying what I want to say now, is to limit to what I know and what I want to say.
So I had a long sit down with it yesterday. I began to attack it, funny how that keeps happening, like I need to destroy it before I can accept and rebuild. I began attacking and scraping with pencils and colored pencils, brushes and anything else I had on my desk. I got rid of some of the yellow markings I found so artistically unaesthetic. I brought out some stuff I did like, slightly. I found myself totally obliterating the face of the angel and I identified it as the real problem spot. (that and the 2 women, but I will get back to that) I just hated that angel! It looked so cartoonish. It looked like….oh what was her name, I think it was Angelique from Beauty and the Beast, the little Christmas angel tree topper. I could even hear it speaking with a bad French accent. Tres annoying!
Having gotten rid of it I sat myself down outside where I’ve had all my paints the last few weeks, and I repainted her. Not much, really, its just a portion of the painting smaller than a dime, but infinitely important. I noticed that she was very like, if not EXACTLY like the woman who was the Hierophant and now the Star. And I kept that in mind as I repainted her.
It is a link between the Hierophant, the Star and the Lovers which is interesting to explore but a bit off topic, so….
I have been tiptoeing around this topic for awhile now and don’t know if I have ever spelled it out literally, so here goes. The angel is a clitoris. Her wings/shroud/cloak are labia. The two women and the man make up collectively the parts of a penis. The man’s hair is semen.
I think this is somewhere that I didn’t want to go, anymore. I didn’t want to reduce the Lovers to sex. But as I sat with it yesterday I came to peace with the idea that, why not, sex is one of the huge forces in the universe and a lot of it is physically manifested in our sexual organs. It’s just another layer of that reality, and a powerful one. It’s ok.
I was also going to get rid of that yellow earring which I thought looked out of place, but as I got down to it I realized that no, it isn’t out of place at all, it is representative of the lightning that happens during sex and knowledge. It is very similar to the shape of a snake which is fitting, and the shape of the Leviathan I put in the Knight of Cups which was itself inspired by the images of…..if I remember right, a serpent from a Sumerian creation myth. It is Air, the child of Water and Fire.
The two women bothered me a lot. It comes from the mid-range tarot decks, Marseille type, that show two women standing with a man at a marriage altar. It is often interpreted as ‘choice’. I’ve seen it at least once with men too. As far as I know the oldest decks didn’t have this convention and I really prefer just the single man and single woman. But, these seem to show a sacred trinity which exists in our first 3 cards of the Major Arcana, the Magician, the High Priestess and the Empress. I would venture to say they are the first 3 elements of creation, Fire, Air and Water. From the combination of these 3 come Earth.
(I attribute them as follows:
Magician – Fire
HP – Air
After the Emperor, 4, comes the Hierophant, 5. Ah, now we see the angel. A mediator between male and female/above and below, you could say a cupid.
I think the 5 is really a crown or a soul of the 4, the angel, the top of the tree or the top and crown of the pentagram. The element of Spirit. The collective soul of the 3 elements combined which when manifest make earth.
I don’t think I am articulating that well and I’ll have to work on it. But, the point is that intuitively I knew then that there was some value to the 2 female 1 male combination in the Lovers card and it is backed up a gazillion times in myth. Eve/Lilith/Adam for starters. It isn’t about polygamy, it’s about the contrasting sexual nature of the universe which together make a whole. And of course that interaction reflects in all levels of existence right down to our fleshy parts.
So, with some tweaks, I am keeping the old Lovers and I feel way better about it now.